If your job is like mine, youll be standing all day training people on new products and campaigns and be totally exhausted at the end of the day. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations | HuffPost Women Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. Except I divorced mine. Youre going to DIE!. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. Hed get support from his friends and family. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. I have to comment on this one. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. Might need to go back. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? My husband was very upset. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. Yes. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. I cordially dislike Vegas. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Where is he staying. I agree with your husband .. I dont see it as misogynist. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. Theyre out there. fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Ill wait. Its a him issue. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). If its my wife is going to a business conference.. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. Meanwhile their actual problem is almost ignored. Like, people bring their own experiences to the table here, so might feel invalidated or defensive when its suggested its the other explanation. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. Thanks for your thoughtful self-awareness. Agreed. You have a good day and thank you. Contributors control their own work and . We all had a blast. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. (And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). When I said but no one else called their boyfriends he then he shifted to well, if you want to have a relationship like THEIRS I think it doesnt take much poking at this topic to find out if your spouse is anxious or controlling. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Echoing this. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. I should also note. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. but it was the backbone of learning to manage anxiety. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. Dont get hit by a car!! Biking to work? I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. A week? Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. I find this so interesting. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). But they definitely need marriage counseling. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. And so on. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Couples counseling is also useful for people with issues that make them disposed to try to please and/or look from approval from their therapist. Maybe OP married him? I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. The difference is it wasnt that he didnt trust ME, or that he was worried about me getting drawn into some sinful situation. +1 I think this is good advice! http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. I agree. Just Saying. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. Shopping! (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Leave your spouse for a week of leisure travel, wrong? Flights and hotels are cheap, because of the focus on tourists everything is really convenient for travelers, the food is good, there are great conference facilities. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. LOL! You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. If my partner acted like he thought he got a vote on whether I was allowed to do things, especially things relating to my career, Id laugh him out of the relationship so fast hed get whiplash. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. Either way, the poster is mimicking them in an exaggerated way in order to make them appear more foolish and unreasonable than they would if portrayed accurately. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? Sorry, that isnt useful. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that even though my feelings are real, they are not reasonable and not helpful, so its not appropriate to expect others to change their behavior to accommodate them. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. If youre not and this is out of the blue, it really sounds like his anxiety is getting the best of him (especially with the note about kidnapping), and he might need more individual help. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so.